Family dynamics - how to reduce frustrations by speaking the truth
With Christmas festivities fast approaching, and traditionally it being the time of the year when we gather with family, if you find the dynamics tricky and find yourself filled with dread rather than joy….read on for some tips on how to speak with truth rather than sitting in silence!
I’ve had multiple conversations recently where someone has referred to a communication within their family where the truth is not being said, but they are hoping the receiver will interpret it as they mean it. I am laughing as I write this because…how funny and how ridiculous!! How hilarious that we live in a culture that has taught us that risking ‘offence’ is worse than telling the truth, that feeling frustrated and plastering on a smile is the preferred option over a slightly uncomfortable conversation.
Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel refers to the way families operate in our culture as ‘nobody is telling the truth’ and it's true isn’t it? We have been fed images of ‘other families’ living in one big joyful harmonious bunch and it has taught us that this is what we should expect and strive for. It's bollocks! There is no such thing. When you see these perfect images or spend time with these people - there is also a mountain of ‘unsaid’ and their own unseen dynamics and frustrations. When families come together to celebrate and bond and love, there is also the lifetime of dynamics and the unsaid, the frustrations and the clashes. But we traditionally put on a smile, stay away from telling the truth and navigate some pretty surface level conversation. A lot of the time, we pretend.
God forbid we offend each other by expressing our frustrations or for asking for clarity on something! Instead let’s smile, keep the peace and moan to our siblings or leave the gathering feeling frustrated - that makes sense! I say this in jest - of course when we as a culture have operated this way our entire lives it is very difficult to change. But to become more aware of what we are doing and to perhaps nudge towards a little more honesty might not be a bad idea.
A client recently gave me an example: “I was going away with my family to celebrate my birthday - I am single and they are all in couples. I suggested splitting the cost of the rental between couples hoping that someone would speak up and say that wasn’t fair for me, and I should pay less, as a single person and as it's my birthday. That didn’t happen and I felt resentful, leaving my birthday trip feeling frustrated”. Isn’t it incredible that we make suggestions to over-please others and under-please ourselves? Hoping that someone will happen to be psychic, see through our words and make the suggestions we’re hoping for?! Rather than suggesting what feels fair to us and would enable a gathering containing less resentment and frustration and more being presence and connection.
This of course is nobody’s fault - we, especially women, have been taught by society our whole lives to please others and therefore, not ourselves. But we can change this, with little steps in the right direction. Firstly by watching out for when we do it. Raising our consciousness, creating more awareness of when we automatically operate in a way which pleases others and abandons our needs and wants. Secondly by gently practicing having more honest conversations - dipping a toe in, seeing how it goes. Generally the reception will be so much better than you anticipate and you will feel much better for speaking the truth; for being honest about what you feel and what you need.
It takes courage, yes - because it's a different way of behaving and we are fearful of the response. But we have a choice here - be brave and tell the truth or go through gatherings feeling resentful and frustrated. Which is better? Maybe it's time to give telling the truth a go!