The joy of female friendships.

There is a ‘crisis in the lack of intimate, meaningful, vulnerable friendships between women’. - Brene Brown

After listening to (the queen) Brene Brown interview Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman about their book ‘Big Friendship: how we keep each other close’, I felt compelled to finally put pen to paper on what is perhaps the most important part of my life, and I don’t say that lightly; I have other wonderful, cherished relationships in my life but through my work as a women’s intuitive life coach I completely agree with Brene that there is a ‘crisis in the lack of intimate, meaningful, vulnerable friendships between women’. 

I write this now because one of the brightest silver linings of the Covid experience has to be that the separation from each other made us all reassess our friendships. We realised how busy and overwhelming life can be when we spread ourselves too thinly and give our time away to those who place demands on us. Hopefully we each noticed exactly which friends we truly missed and which we can now gently let go of. 

My definition of a ‘big friendship’ is: The reciprocal exchange of unconditional love, real vulnerability, utter joy and deep gratitude that your paths crossed in this life. 

There is no other connection or experience I have had in life that is more joyous, supportive, uplifting, inspiring, life affirming and important than the friendships I have had with a handful of women over my 40 years, and I feel a sort of panicked sorrow when I meet women who do not have these connections in their own life - which if i’m honest, I see too often.

Culturally we are taught that our life foundations come from our family relationships or our romantic partner - but I always had an innate knowing that the most important relationships throughout my life would be my friendships with other women. For as long as I can remember, it has been extremely important to me. By my early teens it was a priority and I remember how much hardship and heartache it would cause as well as how much belonging and untold happiness. My primary friendship with a woman has always been of equal importance to me as my romantic relationships, my family and my career, and I have always given it equal time, attention, effort and love.

“As my Mum would say, ‘it's hard and scary because it requires bearing your soul’”

When I reflect on my life path, those with whom I navigated the heady sea of early teen hormones and sensuality are etched on my heart forever. There are vivid memories of the friendships that held me through the sheer heartache (and intense fun!) of teenage love, the confusion of life decisions, the wounding of an early twenties relationship that fundamentally diminished my spirit, the sensation of drowning in a new country, the deflation of financial struggles, the relentless bruising of infertility and the unending roller coaster that is the human experience when trying to live life as fully and bravely as possible. 

The gift that is the real, natural, delightful connection with another woman cannot be underestimated or overlooked. Another being who knows exactly what it's like to navigate the world as a woman in a patriarchal society, who has surfed those nuances and unseen prejudices and wants to change the world for the better with you. Someone who will care for you, laugh with you and love you no matter what.

‘a willingness to be open and honest and truthful - to create a reciprocal vulnerability that offers zero judgement, which in turn nurtures trust that blooms into life through courage and a desire for closeness.’

The friendship Laura and I share is the beating heart of TVH, and we often get asked about it, usually accompanied with a kind of awe that we have found such a connection. Does it feel lucky? Every day I am grateful that our paths crossed, but beyond that it takes a few key ingredients to create and sustain the magic; genuine curiosity to want to deeply understand someone, and even more of a non-negotiable, a willingness to be open and honest and truthful - to create a reciprocal vulnerability that offers zero judgement, which in turn nurtures trust that blooms into life through courage and a desire for closeness. Vulnerability is of course absolutely necessary to experience depth in any type of relationship. As my Mum would say, ‘it's hard and scary because it requires bearing your soul’ - which of course fills us with the fear of feeling shame or receiving rejection. She’s right, and in my experience to share your deepest, darkest, wildest, most honest truth with another soul and have it completely accepted and loved is one of the greatest gifts in life. 

As Brene’s podcast discusses “active friendships require active maintenance, you don’t get to sit back, do nothing and enjoy the benefits of a meaningful friendship”. There is a myth that friendships should be easy and not a lot of work, and I think we’ve been fed a mis-truth - any meaningful and deeply enriching relationships require hard work and effort at times. Our ridiculous cultural training has taught us that if we have to work at something, it must be wrong. This messaging is bullshit, and extremely unhelpful - it risks convincing people to let go of potentially meaningful relationships. The belief is that a spouse or family can’t go anywhere, whereas a friendship can - so we are less likely to tackle hard things due to the underlying fear that we could lose them or be rejected.

I won’t pretend that my friendship with Laura has ever felt like hard work because it hasn’t, but certainly it requires honest conversations at times that might feel uncomfortable or easier not to have, tonnes of consideration and a respect for each other’s boundaries and needs, and super clear communication. The message here is that these efforts are absolutely worthwhile in order to experience a life-affirming, heart expanding and hugely rewarding friendship.

I believe that female friendship is society’s most under appreciated relationship. We have to actively choose it, and be prepared to put the effort in to receive the rewards. My life wouldn’t have half the meaning, depth, fulfilment and total joy if it wasn’t for the female friendships contained within it. If I had one wish it would be that every person finds their platonic soul mate, because I don’t think there’s another joy quite like it. 

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