San Francisco: Part Two

My ‘half way point’ weekend is wonderful. Having unknowingly chosen such a literary city, my first workshop is called ‘playing with images and words’ at the Writer’s Grotto. Three whole hours of play! There is a sea of materials to choose from; magazines, old calendars, old books, stickers, paper, a typewriter, stamps….we are there to make a collage of anything we feel drawn to. In this light-filled loft space with classical music playing, I am not sure I could feel much happier. The cherry on top is the conversation - four women, all strangers, whilst concentrating on creating something we of course end up talking about life. One of the hosts has a book launching later in the year, telling her story of finding her birth mother - who did not want to be found - and the ensuing roller coaster relationship thereafter. Yet another reminder that we are surrounded by humans who have a deep, varied, difficult, rich story to tell. I wish all humans had to write a memoir so that we would get to understand more about the real lives lived as opposed to what we see on the outside.

The next day I am determined to spend the day out in nature - something I feel I’m lacking, as although there’s a smorgasbord of it on this stunning peninsular, its all a drive away rather than in walking distance. I head towards Pacifica because I’ve heard that ‘the people that choose to live there do so if they’re serious about living next to the sea’ - I’m intrigued. The drive there is a climb, which means I eventually round a corner to the most dramatic coastal view - a vista of mountain edges and wild pacific sea. I actually squeal ‘stopppp ittttt!!’ out loud, it is SO stunning - it’s a terrible shame I have to concentrate on the road so that I don’t crash the car. 

I like it in Pacifica, it feels much more ‘normal’; less affluent, more relaxed, with wild waves and like a lot of places no ‘town centre’ as such but a few cute eateries dotted randomly about. I hear live music and stand in the sun, soaking in it for a moment. I carry on towards Montara - a beach with hiking trails overlooking it that I’ve heard is one of the nicest spots along this revered coastline. Its beautiful - the only drawback is that again, whilst its clear blue skies 30 mins away at home, on the coast it is grey cloud, misty and chillier. Its not the weather for me to go hiking in as my objective is always the view, so instead I walk along the beach a little and sit to watch the big waves crashing in. Yum.

I step into the second half of this trip (four weeks behind me, four ahead) feeling extremely aware of how fast time is passing. I’m definitely ready for more pals and fun, I can find myself spending too much time at home because a) its where I work and b) although I can walk to my lovely town, to get to the nature that means so much to me I have to get in the car - very American and not very Katy. But isn’t that the whole point, to experience all the textures and colours of whatever the reality of life actually is; always a combination, forever duality. I have been feeling such wild gratitude, energy, happiness and intrigue, aswell as loneliness, boredom and frustration - and yet I wish with my whole heart I could make time slow down.

"It's hard to remember that this day will never come again. That the time is now and the place is here and that there are no second chances at a single moment.”

- Jeanette Winterson 

I arrange my third ‘friend date’ - yes it was a very quiet first month, good job I find my own company largely delightful! I meet Sarah (from Yorkshire!) and her boyfriend Josh (from Idaho) for dinner at a vibey new asian hotspot in the North Beach area of the city. I am greeted by the friendliest faces and hugs. We share a dreamy mutual friend so we are excited to meet each other. A FUN night of swapping life stories and getting into a myriad of topics follows and I finally feel like I’ve got proper pals - I am SO grateful. 

The following week is quiet as I have a poorly doggy, and obviously as I am now utterly devoted to her and believe she is my actual child, I am tending to her and monitoring her day and night! I can’t bear the thought of her feeling unwell, so I spend a lot of my time stroking her and giving her medals when she is a brave girl allowing me to syringe what appear to be huge quantities of antibiotics into her mouth. I learn the best way to do this by watching a YouTube video (thankfully inside the cheek, not prizing the jaw open; even though she has tiny teeth they still hurt me!) and suspect yet again that I would have made an outstanding veterinary nurse. 

I find a new favourite cafe in my local town called Mints & Honey, where I can sit outside to work. I am sat near to two women who are talking animatedly about whether they would solo travel, how they feel about therapy and the perils of online dating. They’re younger than me but we have such shared topics, I find myself smiling and wanting to say ‘I know!!!’ to all of it. Just before they leave I lean over and apologise for eavesdropping, they are super friendly and Jasmine, the keen solo traveller asks me if I’ve found it easy to meet people and make friends here. I tell her no, that this organic interaction is rare and that her invite to join them at yoga is so appreciated. At last, during my fifth week I have made some new pals!

My dream host Gali has also put me in touch with a Brazilian woman who is a mushroom micro dosing coach. We hug and exchange stories, she is from Sao Paulo, moved to Spain in her twenties and has been living in SF for 6 years, having followed her siblings. She loves her work, the objective being to ‘help people to connect to their true selves’. We find we have the exact same purpose in life, just a different way of supporting people.

She wants to talk about being divorced, about why I had ended my relationship. I explain my reasons and she asks ‘don’t you think we’ve been tricked by feminism?’ I laughed ‘no!’ assuming she was joking - she was not. She believes that women expect too much from a romantic partnership. The conversation made me realise that if I had different beliefs, and that if marriage and children were still my goal; being single at 42 could seriously rock me, and I understand why someone else would feel that way. The conversation was confronting - but I felt so steady and grounded in myself, and I guess that’s the freedom that relinquishing the hope and expectation of being a mother has given me; any time pressure has been removed. In the future, I will only commit to walking alongside someone who I feel the depth of connection and passion with that I crave, who can love me in the way that I need to be loved. I’m so glad that this conversation has solidified how sure I am of my choices; they wouldn’t be right for someone else, but they’re right for me.

My 6th week is quiet and work gives me purpose, hosting an online workshop and my beloved coaching sessions, popping in and out of the vets trying to make sure Cherry is being looked after properly. I drive to my yoga class one evening and driving home I feel sad. I realise this is because 2 months is long enough to really settle in somewhere, and to feel like you’re starting to (slowly!) build an actual life. I know my way around now, I know a handful of lovely people throughout the Bay area, I have my yoga studio and favourite cafes, I love Cherry. It feels a bit unimaginable that in only 2 weeks I will fly back to Europe not knowing exactly when I will return. 

My next couple of weeks include a yummy day visiting my friends in the city and exploring their hood of Hayes Valley, and driving further out into the south bay area to Los Gatos to meet my friend for a lovely hike and lunch - my kind of day. A significant ‘meet up’ is with a woman called Hannah who I went to primary school with - her family moved out to the US shortly after and although we didn’t stay in touch, a few years ago we found each other on instagram and found a shared sense of love for nature, travel, wellbeing and spirituality. I drive north over the Golden Gate Bridge (toot toot!) to the instantly beautiful surroundings of green and hilly Marin county. We meet for the first time in 31 years in a car park with a massive hug. She has thoughtfully planned out a beautiful day in nature - I am in heaven and so grateful, craving this so much. We walk around Muir Woods amongst the giant redwood trees and soak up the feeling of being immersed in nature.

We then head up the mountain to picnic with a view which is at times beautiful and of course, other times foggy. We are mesmerised watching a hang-glider walk off the side of the mountain into the total abyss! Spending time together feels like the most natural and gorgeous thing to do. We fill each other in on our chapters experienced and paths chosen, the bits we’re each grateful we chose and the bits which hurt our hearts; one growing up in the UK and one in the US. She is gentle, kind, funny, open and soulful. We bond over our need to travel, to be in nature, to embrace a holistic life and outlook. We have different reasons for not being a mother and as we talk I realise it was at this juncture in life that I was meant to find her again. It feels incredibly supportive and inspiring to have a friend who is choosing and enjoying a similar way of living to me even if our paths here looked very different. 

With two weeks of my trip left Gali returns early as Cherry needs surgery. This is a woman I spent two days with upon my arrival and living back together is pure joy. She is the most delightful housemate and I am ready for more company! We cook together, talk for every hour we’re awake and make each other laugh with our stories and observations about life.

My last weekend I take myself up north again to Point Reyes National park on Hannah’s suggestion. It is absolutely stunning with flavours of Scotland - undulating hills, endless vistas, nature for days, wildflowers and incredible, quiet beaches. I stay in a cute airbnb, soaking in a giant jacuzzi and love every minute. The cute little villages in this area are lovely for a potter and Hannah and I get to meet again for a delicious oyster feast sat overlooking the sea - sigh of contentment. 

During my last week its my 42nd birthday - when I first arrived here I remember thinking ‘how on earth am I going to make it feel like a birthday if I’m on my own - I need to make some mates - quick! ’As it happened I luckily ended up with delightful plans but sadly they were scuppered thanks to quite the blend of a cold, allergies and a mouth infection! 

I agree to go on a date with someone who gets excited about the same things I do - wild nature, travelling and food. Sadly we don’t get to meet due to my illness but perhaps there’ll be a next time. On my actual birthday I spend the morning reading glorious messages and FaceTiming my wonderful friends and family - it’s heaven! Gali takes me out for a delicious long lunch and we spend the evening watching movies - perfection. 

Saying goodbye to Gali we say we hope we’ll be friends forever. She says it’s rare to meet someone you bond so joyously with ‘and it’s been so wonderful to know it can still happen at my age’. I tell her I’ve loved every single minute we’ve spent together and don’t think we would ever run out of interesting things to talk about. I present her with a ritual altar filled with a giant pinecone, a beautiful abalone shell, a tiny brass bell, crystals and downy plover feathers I collected at the beach. I tell her that I hope when she needs it, it will help to remind her of the magic inside her.

This experiment has been a completely new experience to me. For the first time in my life I ‘moved’ somewhere I knew not one person and I feel so reassured and happy to report that two months is long enough to feel like I have built a bit of a life here to perhaps return to at some point. I have five new friends I adore, I know my way around and where I’d spend my time again. I feel that I have a bit more of an understanding of the culture in the US and how it differs to the UK. San Fran isn’t the easiest place to make friends - it’s an area where living expenses are high, everyone is on the hamster wheel and not in the frame of mind to have casual chats with strangers in coffee shops. This type of living can mean a huge amount of time alone, which I deeply believe is an important thing to be comfortable with and to make the most of, but it does need to be interrupted with fun and connection! 

The biggest insight for me is that this new way of living feels completely normal to me! It feels comfortable and not at all strange to be moving from place to place every couple of months, repacking, readjusting. I’m not sure how long this will last but for now it feels natural. Now I’ve done it once it doesn’t feel like a big deal at all, it feels totally doable and not at all scary. I relished being part of a city that thrums with a range of nationalities - this is what my soul needs at this point in my life. 

Saying goodbye to my new pals, we all say ‘see you soon’ because I know that it’s the truth. Whether it’s back here in California or meeting up somewhere out there in the world, having done this has reminded me that (aside from expensive flights) the world is indeed a very small place full of incredible people who quickly make any place feel like home.