Why do we expect magic in our relationships when they get less attention than ever?
Attention IS Connection.
I’m currently working through a book called The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron with a wonderful study group at the London Writer’s Salon where one of my extremely articulate cohort Coelti commented that the author’s quote that struck them the most is that ‘attention IS connection’. I’ll say that again…
Holy shit that does something to me too. If paying attention is taking notice - then of course it can be applied to all parts of life - the connection of dots, of small windows of opportunity that might lead to open doors, to the expansion of a network of friends or like minded souls, for me of realising my prismatic imagination and words can be turned into an essay. Of taking more notice of what we are seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, feeling. Observing our own thoughts and emotions instead of distracting ourselves from them in the myriad of ways available to us. Paying attention to help us to connect to ourselves and to each other more.
But of course the place this quote strikes the most is in our intimate relationships so I wanted to explore for you just how absurdly wise and truthful - and scary - this statement is. Attention IS connection. So bring to mind the person in your life that lights up your heart the most, the person that means the most to you…
I will never forget listening to my guru Esther Perel stating this: “in the modern world people expect magical, deep connections in their relationships, but they have never tried less to make this happen. For some reason the expectations of coupledom have never been higher but what people invest in it hasn’t really measured up. People bring the best of themselves not to their partner; they bring the best of themselves to their work, to their friends, colleagues, hobbies, children. Why do people so often bring the leftovers to their partner whilst at the same time wanting their relationship to be so glorious? Something doesn’t add up”.
No longer can any of us expect a lasting connection no matter how wonderful, when we live in this ‘attention seeking economy’. We have to be supremely aware of how critically this needs to be addressed, of the need for this to be a real priority if we stand a chance at maintaining the connection, the bond, the golden threads of a relationship that as humans - we yearn for.
We simply can no longer underestimate the effort, the intent, the level of attention that is required if we want to experience a ‘live wire’; a magical, life giving, turned on, tuned in, very real connection with another person. Of course life happens and there will be times when this has to subside and make way for other priorities, challenges and obstacles - but as a rule, if we’re going to choose to be in a relationship, to spend our beyond precious time with another human, doesn’t that partnership deserve to be as nourishing, inspiring, uplifting and connected as possible?
That’s the first part to get clear on here - what is it that YOU want and expect and need from a relationship? What does your heart and soul, mind and body need? How do you want to be loved?
Of course ‘attention IS connection’. Therefore we must train our attention on those we want to experience the connection with. We must be intentional with how we connect, communicate and spend our time together. And let's flag now that simply ‘spending time together’ does not equate to connectivity. People physically spend time together in the same space, same room, even on the same couch and can be worlds apart, with one person living in their head, on their phone, eyes on the TV screen and the other feeling the distance of several galaxies away. And when this becomes the norm it can be the loneliest place of all. Together but not seen. Side by side but not feeling of interest, not worthy of being heard, not desirable enough to receive attention. That experience is far lonelier than sitting on your own, in your own space, on your own couch.
And we know why this is happening, right? We live in a world where we are constantly trying to resist the attention economy! All day every day there are whatsapps and emails and insta messages and apps and notifications and meetings and work and phone calls and memes and kids and adverts and podcasts and people…all shouting to get our attention. And they win. Which means that the person you said was the most important to you…gets the leftovers.
So what do we do?
Imagine when someone you value is paying attention to you - what are they doing and how does it make you feel?
This might be someone placing their hands on your shoulders and looking into your eyes, deeply seeing you and wanting to understand you, an action that might take seconds but strengthens the threads between you. It might be a no phone rule one evening a week or a whole day at the weekend where instead you get to melt into each other's orbit, languish in the other’s energy and reconnect in any way possible. It might be someone asking you over dinner how your day has been and knowing they are listening because of the questions they ask, because they ask how you feel about something - and they really want to know.
It is these actions that show us that we matter, that we’re important. That we are worthy, valued and appreciated.
This is about deciding. Who or what is most important to you? Get clear on that and don’t take your eyes away. If we want to experience joy-filled connections we have to take notice, we have to pay attention. Don’t let the noisy outer world distract you away from the person who truly lights up your inner world.
Try these journal prompts:
Who is the person in your life that lights up your heart the most - write down their name.
How is it that you currently shower them with attention? How do you make them feel important, valued, adored, seen and heard?
How often do you do this?
What is it that gets in the way of you doing more of it?
In my coaching I help people to reconnect to the people that are important to them. Click here to read more about my coaching and how you can work with me.