Why 'self enquiry' is the most important thing we can do for ourselves.
Finally, after 5 years of working full time as a personal coach to hundreds of women, I now know what to call myself - a ‘self enquiry coach’.
I have struggled so much explaining the breadth of challenges I support people with, because the work we do together can tackle almost anything. But beneath every single change sought by the person working with me, whether that is to reduce stress, improve their sex life, get clearer on future direction, feeling stuck in a job, unsure about their relationship; what underpins all of this is the need for a person to understand themselves more deeply. To get to know, to explore, to listen. To be clearer on who they are as a human, on their unique identity. To quite literally - enquire about oneself.
Why is ‘self enquiry’ important for your wellbeing?
Why do I believe ‘self enquiry’ is the most important thing we can do for ourselves aswell as for those we love? Life can so very easily lead us up the garden path. Especially as women, where we can spend a lot of our formative years wanting to be liked, trying to fit in, fulfilling roles that our culture has laid out for us. Take me for example - I studied and embarked upon a career that reflected what I believed society found desirable when I was twenty years old (international fashion marketing - promoting, selling, travelling, glamorous - sure.) I worked really hard for over 15 years in various parts of the world and with it experienced a lot of stress, anxiety, frustration - but perhaps most sadly, a lack of belonging and fulfilment.
Simultaneously I went from one romantic relationship to another (literally, I wasn’t single at all between the ages of 14 and 41!) because the societal messages I had absorbed told me - loudly - that romantic partnerships hold the greatest value, and that they are something we should all be striving towards. This meant that my identity was completely wrapped up in these partnerships and I was so busy working hard in the career I thought I wanted, whilst nourishing the relationship I believed was right for me at the time, that I had zero chance, time or space of actually exploring who I was and what might be right for me. I was certainly doing what I am so passionately against now - drowning out the inner voice that knows.
I was relentlessly ‘doing my best’, pouring energy into the areas of life I had chosen, and once on a path, doggedly determined to make it work. In my career this meant an overly positive attitude and a ‘making the best of' where I was - until I no longer could, with my spirit diminishing before my eyes. It also meant I committed to a long-term relationship with a truly lovely human being - but not the right combination of humans for a lifelong commitment. I was subconsciously abandoning my needs and desires and not speaking up because I believed I had made my choice and must make the best of it.
Get to know yourself better and make the right choices for you.
I have to believe that those chapters were meant to be part of my life path in order to get me to where I am now - but the reason I share this is to remind you that it doesn’t have to be this way for you. Whatever stage of life you are at, you can do the work to get to know yourself better, so that you can make choices that reflect the TRUE you, in all parts of your life.
The easiest place to start might be by considering what the risk is if you don’t do the self-enquiry work. I always come back to the research of Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who interviewed hundreds of people at the end of their life and found that their number one regret was ‘I wish I had lived a life more true to me, not what others expected of me’.
Recently I was observing a 30 year old couple in the early stages of their relationship. I was struck by their alignment with each other, to what an incredible match they appeared to be. As individuals, they were each treading a path true to themselves. Choosing career paths in something that expressed their true passions and interests. Pouring time and energy into hobbies that lit them up. Choosing where to live in the world based on the lifestyle their souls were called to. Doing the work in a way that meant they were being true to themselves in their choices from a much younger age. And then they found each other. Witnessing this made me feel so happy for them whilst also sad for the younger me that did not know myself deeply.
How do we get to know ourselves?
I like this paragraph I wrote in a blog a couple of years ago that still rings true to me:”“whatever it is that lights your flame and makes you feel more like ‘you’ can come in every form imaginable. Quiet, loud, peaceful, energetic and everything in-between. Just allow yourself MORE of whatever makes you feel like ‘yourself’. Whatever that is, however it looks. If it's playful, explorative, adventurous - don’t turn the volume down. If it's creative, imaginative and artistic, cultured and experimental - don’t dilute yourself. If it's quiet and slower, inspired by nature, creative thinking, writing, helping, learning, being - don’t let yourself get drowned out. We all embody each of these parts at times - listen to yours and honour them when they want to be seen and heard”.
You will receive so much messaging asking you what you might do with your one precious life, how you can go about finding your purpose. I deeply believe that you are your purpose. That the most important work you will ever do is to get to know yourself more deeply; the you that sits beneath the societal conditioning, expectations of others, what you have been taught and your fears. So that you can make choices that feel TRUE to you. So that the path you are on feels more fulfilling and joyful. So you are able to connect more deeply with other humans and therefore give out more of that present and connected energy to the world around you.
It is never too late to make change - in any part of life. I am extremely proud that I did make change, that I have built a business that allows me to support and guide others so that they choose paths that are true to them.
Do you need the time and space to explore who you are in a structured way with a coach companion? Click the button below and read more about my one to one coaching.