Self Talk - Why the way you speak to yourself matters (part 1)

‘Self-talk’ - one seemingly simple phrase, SOOO MUCH sitting behind it. It’s a thread which shows up consistently in our coaching sessions with clients - when we started writing this blog, we quickly realised we have a LOT to say about it. It’s interwoven into many other different facets of our work; it shows up in many different contexts and guises, and so we offer you this read by way of introduction to our thoughts (hence the part 1 title). Read on for each of our perspectives and some practical first steps to take.

What do we mean by self-talk?

Psychology Today defines self-talk as an individual’s inner voice that provides a running monologue throughout the day. ‘This inner voice, or self-talk, combining conscious thoughts and unconscious beliefs and biases, provides a way for the brain to interpret and process daily experiences. Our self-talk can be cheerful and supportive or negative and self-defeating. Self-talk can be beneficial when it’s positive, calming fears and bolstering confidence. Human nature, unfortunately, is prone to negative self-talk.’

What impact does negative self-talk have?

Given that we are in the business of supporting people to have more sustainable, joyful and impactful careers, we are interested in how self-talk touches these areas.

Self-talk (positive or negative) can have a real impact on an individual's confidence - your willingness to believe in yourself, your ability to stand up for yourself in challenging conversations and your strength to hold onto your authenticity and integrity. It might be the voice that guides you forward, telling you to keep chipping away at your dream and your vision for a better world but it can be this very same voice that tells you that you are not good enough, that you need to keep proving yourself and leads you down the garden path to exhaustion and burnout.

The tricky thing is that this self-talk can be so unconscious that often we don’t even realise this is happening, it is background noise that appears ‘normal’ and it impacts our behaviours and the way we move through the world without even realising it.

Our Perspectives on Self-Talk

Kenny

In my coaching conversations, self-talk usually presents itself to my clients as a byproduct of working on confidence (or lack of), and often shows up unexpectedly to the client. It’s so common that we are our own worst critics, and have been for years! We don’t realise that we’re doing so, or the impact it is having on us until we start noticing it and bringing it to our attention. It’s often an ‘a-ha’ moment.

Self-talk can show up both in silent thoughts and spoken phrases, again which can be unconscious until they are mirrored back. Common micro-agressions I see my clients using in their language include:

‘This sounds stupid’
‘Rubbish idea, but’

We all know the impact micro-agressions can have over time; we call it out when used in reference to others, but how are we noticing it in how we speak of ourselves?!

A misconception can be that in order for this work to be effective, we have to be high fiving ourselves constantly, which after years of berating yourself can feel a little bit ick. I’d argue that a great and impactful first step is towards erasing the negativity and getting back to neutral. Removing the ‘I’m rubbish and I can’t do this’ chat and simply focusing your talk on the task at hand can have a real impact on performance. I love this example from the athlete Jazmin Sawyers - it still gives me goosebumps a year on.

Laura

The biggest challenge I see around self-talk with senior leaders I work with is this voice that is telling them they have to push harder and do more to prove themselves. No matter how much they achieve or how high they climb…it is never enough. They are never enough.

This voice can sound as follows:

“If you want a seat at that table, you need to work harder.”
“Don’t ask for help - you cannot show weakness or incompetence. Just get your head down and do it.”
“Resting is lazy - if you want to progress, you need to keep moving.”

Because the coaching spaces we create in the workplace are safe enough for real honesty to emerge, this is where we see the truth of how depleted, overwhelmed and exhausted so many leaders have become. And sadly this is much more prevalent with female leaders (research shows that women are twice as likely to experience burnout than their male counterparts).

We gently guide and coach these women to see where the stories have grown from from - the deep conditioning that has been absorbed from years of not feeling like they are enough. And that these stories are leading to the over-proving, over-stretching, exhausting behaviours where women feel like they are on a constant path of pushing to prove that they are enough and they are worthy of the positions they have.

Understandably, many women are reluctant to drop their “I have my shit together” armour in the workplace for fear of being deemed weak / incompetent / not strong enough as a leader. This means that they are feeding the problem - the young professionals looking up to them believe that in order to succeed in the intense corporate environment, they too must suck it up and push on.

The conversations we will have to support them to look at how their internal narrative and external behaviours are exacerbating the problem of burnout is to allow them to contemplate the bigger picture and ask the following question;

“If I were to notice my over-proving and reframe my narrative to believe that I do not need to exhaust myself in order to be successful, how would this positively impact our organisational culture?”

Katy

A coaching client recently reminded me just how common it can be to talk to ourselves with a deeply critical voice - and how often. The impact this has on how we feel mentally and emotionally, how we view ourselves and the knock our confidence takes can be enormous.

I certainly lived this way for a very long time. I was around 30 when I woke up to just how much I was constantly chastising myself. It's a horrible place to be and the impact on my self worth and confidence was huge. I was sick of it and decided things had to change - these were the actions I took that made a real difference over the long term:

> Start each new week with the question - if I was to show myself much more kindness this week, how could I do that?

Committing to being kinder to myself changed my life. It meant that slowly, I started to listen to what I actually wanted and needed; when I was tired and needed to rest, what I did and didn’t enjoy. I practiced treating myself like a friend rather than a tyrant! One of the key areas this impacts is work - noticing your energy levels means you can start to prioritise rest and become more realistic about what is possible to get done each day - so that you are able to show up for your colleagues and team with the present and uplifting energy you want to give out. You are no good to anybody exhausted! Show yourself more care and respect by getting honest with what you want and need - and making the time for it.

> Notice patterns within your menstrual cycle

The likelihood is that there is a certain time each month that the critical voice becomes much louder! It can be hugely helpful to recognise the impact that hormones have on how you view and therefore talk to yourself - they can have a lot to answer for!! Do yourself a favour and start to make a note - consistently - of how you feel throughout the month - I guarantee a pattern will emerge. The beauty of this insight is that when the critical voice kicks in, eventually you will be able to ask yourself ‘is this valid or is it day 20 of my cycle again?!’ It can be a real ‘a-ha moment’ and something I always include in my coaching sessions.

Our starting points for making shifts away from negative self talk:

No matter where you are in your career, we have three steps for you to consider when it comes to shifting up your internal narrative to support a more compassionate way to move through the world…

#1: Actively try to notice just how often - and how unkind - the critical voice is chirping up.

Once you train your awareness to notice when this is happening, you’ll gradually be able to halt it in its tracks before it takes you down into a dark hole of doom. Working from home can be helpful here - once you hear the critical voice, stand up and move your body - jump, shake, dance - anything to shift the energy and interrupt the narrative before it takes hold.

#2: Interrogate this voice

Ask yourself if the things you are saying to yourself are actually true and fair. Do you have evidence for this or is this just the old critical voice record stuck on repeat that desperately needs updating? Create a bit of emotional distance by critically observing and analysing what is actually happening.

#3: Intentionally switching the narrative

Train yourself to give yourself a high five for the things that did go well, that you were proud of, that you did kindly for others. Exactly as you would do for a friend - or a child! Start to allow yourself to notice the things that do go well - no matter how small. Whether that's surviving the daily juggle, being a little braver at work, or a great conversation / team meeting - this is a practice that can soon become a beautiful part of the way your brain is wired.

AND…if you do not manage to catch those pesky voices in the moment (spoiler alert: you will definitely not do this with immediate effect!), try to reflect on the following prompts at the end of each day: