How can I be a better listener?

For the first ever ‘ask me anything’ question submission over on Instagram, I received this beautiful question from Alice in Brighton “How can I be a better listener?”

I was thrilled to read this! I believe it is one of the most important things we can possibly BE as a human, and Alice - everything starts with intention and developing self awareness around what we want to develop, so you’re already halfway there! :-)

Here are my top tips - try these and let me know how you go on. I’d love to hear what works for you or what you struggle with…

Remember why it is important to you to be a better listener:

Connection is everything in terms of creating a deep bond with another person, whether that is a friend, colleague, lover or family member. For someone to feel truly valued, important, cared for, loved and understood, listening to them express themselves fully is absolutely crucial. Sadly when this doesn’t happen, a lack of connection occurs, bonds can be broken and people can drift away from each other.

State your intention:

Let the other person know ‘I'm here and I want to hear about how you’re feeling. We’ve got all the time we need, there’s no rush’. To me, I don’t think there is a kinder, more loving gift that someone can offer another human being than that. (Heart eye emoji).

Give your undivided attention:

In the distracted world in which we live, I cannot overstate how important this is! The person you are listening to needs to feel that you’re not distracted by anything, that you are completely present and focused on them. Refrain from looking around the room, try to put your busy mind of ‘to dos’ to one side and a non-negotiable is to hide your phone away in a different room, out of sight and on silent.

Listen to the words that are actually being said, not your interpretation:

In couples therapy, it is common to use an ‘active listening’ tool where one person speaks, and the other mirrors back what they have heard. It is a real eye opener as to how much of our own interpretation we apply to what we’re hearing. Try to only hear the other person’s words and ask for clarification ‘so what i’m hearing is xxx, is that right?’

Practice not interrupting!

I feel very passionate about this as its my number one pet peeve!! Interrupting someone is the surest way to make them feel like you’re not actually that interested in what they have to say. When you’re ‘holding space’ for another person, your role in the conversation is to sit back. No matter how tempting it is, try not to jump in and interrupt them! Try to hold your well-intentioned thoughts, advice and suggestions inside, to come back to later. Interrupting someone halts their flow, cuts off their train of thought and potentially stops them from sharing more deeply with you.

When you feel the urge to interrupt, notice where this motivation comes from. In my coaching practice I see this happening when a person wants to prove their self worth by enthusiastically sharing their ideas or opinion - driven by a desire to be valuable, helpful, useful and appreciated by the other person. This is completely understandable, but try to remember that listening is perhaps the MOST valuable thing you can offer that person at that time. There will always be time to share your ideas later - you won’t forget them!

When they’ve finished talking, offer them even more space:

Let the other person talk until they’ve expressed everything they want to share - and then provide even more space - stay quiet, sit in silence for a moment longer. It is in this space that more might come, they might go deeper. They might be figuring stuff out for the first time in the moment because of the opportunity you have provided them with to be heard. This is priceless and what I personally have the honour of witnessing so often in my coaching sessions. This is where connections are deepened, bonds are strengthened and love grows.

Reflect after the conversation:

Take notice of how connected you feel to the other person after the conversation and ask them how they feel having expressed themselves. Observe the bond and the depth of connection and fully absorb any glorious appreciation you receive, you deserve it! Noticing this connection will be your strongest motivation in continuing to practice strengthening your listening skills.

Show yourself some self compassion - this is not easy!

In our ‘always on’ world we have over-stimulated, busy minds, making it very difficult to be fully present and therefore to listen properly. The ‘attention economy’ is wildly distracting and means we feel there are always a hundred things we should be doing at any one time. It is about deciding what is most important to you and going all in - it's a choice to make the time to hold space and listen to someone, to decide that everything else can wait (it will!)

Be gentle with yourself, practice, ask for feedback; effort deserves appreciation!

And most of all ENJOY the deepening connections you will have with others. I believe from the depths of my soul that it is one of life’s greatest pleasures and fulfilments.