What do I do when my relationship no longer fulfils me?
“My relationship isn’t fulfilling me anymore….and I don’t know what to do about it, but it's draining me”
This is something that is coming up time and again at the moment with my coaching clients - perhaps it's a consequence of the last 18 months or a realisation that crept in when things slowed down.
Relationships make the world go round. Romantic, platonic, familial, colleagues. Our relationships, and the connection we feel with others can ultimately bring us the deepest joy and fulfilment we can experience in our lifetime. In my coaching sessions, at some point there will be deep excavation around significant relationships…especially the ones that have room for improvement, growth and potential.
If I’m honest, a lot of clients find themselves in romantic relationships that are simply not fulfilling them. Understandably sometimes this happens after having kids; the focus has gone into the children, into the family as a whole as opposed to the connection between the two adults. And this can be temporary, in need of refocus and nurturing, ready to thrive again….or it can be a growing apart, as we continue to evolve as human beings. Something which until recently our society hasn’t exactly been supportive of. It breaks my heart to see people staying in unfulfilling relationships because they believe they ‘should’. You are here once - and hopefully you’ve still got a lot of life to live ahead of you. So please don’t spend it in a relationship that no longer feels right in your heart.
Wish things were different but not sure where to start? Consider the three options available to you:
1.Carry on as you are
If you weren’t reading this article, perhaps you would carry on, making do, cracking on with a busy life that distracts you from the lack you feel in your relationship. You could accept that this is how your relationship is now, and you could seek what you need to make you as fulfilled and happy as possible from other parts of your life. You may of course at some point seek stimulation, inspiration, connection, excitement, passion and love elsewhere. This is one option. An option where the reality is that a relationship potentially rots. It feels like the ‘easier’ option but it is detrimental in itself; draining you, chipping away at your spirit and your health.
2.Give it everything you’ve got
If the person you are in a relationship matters to you, and YOU matter to you then you have the opportunity to take stock, reassess, shake up the whole relationship and start over. This takes guts. This takes bravery to dig deep, to lean into some seriously difficult conversations that will be uncomfortable, challenging, probably hurtful for both people at times. But it is only when you tell the absolute truth about what you feel, what you want, what you need from the other person, what you want in life - that you are giving them a fair chance to meet you there. If there is a possibility of moving on from your relationship in the future, surely you want to know that you did, shared, told, suggested everything you possibly could whilst you were in it? That you tried hard. That you exposed your heart and soul. This is where connection can be re-established, new beginnings are possible. It might be the hardest and bravest thing you ever go through, and it might be worth every single moment.
3. Make change
If you know in your heart that you are out, if you know you’re staying to keep a family unit together, or you don’t want to hurt the other person, I’m not afraid to tell you - life is too short. You have one chance at this thing called life; and hopefully a lot of life ahead of you. Any relationship you choose to be in should support, inspire and nurture you. You know how you want to feel, so don’t settle for something else if you have already been through point 2 above and really tried, openly communicated and been clear about your needs. Our society has taught us that once we’re committed we should stay - especially if there are children - and it can be an enormously unhelpful narrative, one that leads to unfulfillment, frustration, cheating. It is a possibility that it might be better for children to see each parent thriving, healthy and happy - whether that’s together or apart. If you know in your heart what you need to do, it will undoubtedly be the most challenging chapter of your life. But no more challenging than staying in a relationship that is constantly, ever so slowly, diminishing your spirit.
Of course I do not say this lightly.
Facing into relationship challenges is a huge, scary, hairy, painful, god damn awful time in your life.
But it is essential that it is faced, acknowledged and addressed, if you are to give yourself the best possible opportunity to live a life full of joy and heart expanding fulfilment.
Am I a relationship counsellor? I didn’t intend to be. But life happened to me, and my coaching clients came to me with their challenges and tears and heartache and I helped them navigate their way through it, learning all the time. If this is an area you would like support and guidance with, I am here for you. Know that there is always, always a way forwards. Katy x