Fertility Awareness Week: 31st Oct - 4th Nov.
Recently a beautiful friend asked me about my ‘fertility experience’ and I tearfully re-lived it, talking through 6 difficult years of putting my life on hold. Amongst the roller coaster of treatment and heartbreak of baby loss, the hardest thing for me by far was the feeling of ‘pressing pause’ on life for so long. That was in part due to the financial strain - forsaking the joyful activities that usually made me feel alive, and partly the navigation of appointments, treatments, waiting, recovering, medication, injections, no alcohol, disappointment. It was such a strange and limiting chapter of life; I can only assume it would all have felt worth it if I had become a mother holding my baby in my arms. But I didn’t…it was a long ‘life pause’ without a happy ending.
I write this today to share what did work for me; because whilst managing ‘the strangeness’ I really did feel OK a lot of the time, I still enjoyed my life. I want to make sure that these learnings can help anyone else walking a similar path.
What worked for me?
I started to take my self care much more seriously. I figured the best way to manage my energy and emotions and build up my resilience for this seemingly unending battle was to keep my cup as full to the brim as possible. Looking at my diary for the week ahead I would plot in time for me to literally restore myself. Restore my hurting heart, my sore body, my empty spirit.
My ‘self care’ activities looked a little like this:
👉🏻 A walk in nature alone - with no distractions (no headphones; music, podcast or audiobook). This would allow me to connect with how I was really feeling throughout the process, to face into the emotions and ride the waves. Making this space allowed me to more deeply understand myself and connect to why I was putting myself through it all - when I was ready to undergo more treatment - and when I needed a break.
👉🏻 Quiet space - relaxing music, candle lit, essential oils - stretch, take a bath, meditate, journal. These ‘ritual’ evenings replenished my soul, made me feel centred and grounded and reminded me of who I was beyond this consuming fertility experience - more than just a body trying to be a mother. It was in these spaces and journaling practice that I reconnected with all the other parts of me - explorer, creative writer, fun friend, music lover, curious human and sensual lover. It was also in this quiet space that I marinated in all I had to be grateful for - my cherished relationships, my heart centred work, the world I had been lucky enough to explore.
These slow and gentle activities were essential to me - not only did they support me to physically, emotionally and energetically navigate the brutal nature of fertility treatment, but prioritising my self care also kept me connected to who I was, so that I didn’t lose sight of myself within it. A fertility battle can be all consuming and can suck the life out of you. These practices reminded me of all the parts of me - and all the wonderful areas of life just waiting for me. I tried to trust that perhaps the happiest days of my life were still ahead of me.
I also was sure to add in JOY wherever possible.
Planning ahead to sprinkle in fun and lightness, whatever it was that I fancied at the time - hiking up a mountain, pottering around an art gallery, dipping in the ocean, cosying up with pals in a country pub to laugh about life, watching a movie on the sofa with my favourite macaroni cheese. Lining up podcasts, books and movies that carried me away to a more hopeful place. Joy riding would light me up and remind me that there was a whole life ahead of me - whatever shape it turned out to be.
Without a doubt, what enabled me to keep my head above water and feel grounded and resilient throughout my experience was the well of love and support I was able to draw upon. I had a few friends (notably Laura) who walked the entire path next to me, tightly holding my hand throughout every single step. I shared everything with them - the excitement of a positive pregnancy test, the dark waters of total heartbreak and the lengthy fog inbetween. I accepted their cuddles, their time, the space they gave me. I allowed my incredible family to support me and love me and hold me throughout. People can understandably find fertility difficult to talk about but I wholeheartedly recommend sharing what you’re going through with your carefully chosen people - letting them in so that they can help you float in very choppy waters.
So if this is where you are, or you know someone who is, I see you and I offer you a piece of my heart.
Here are some practical steps you can gently experiment with:
Create your own pick and mix menu of slow and gentle ‘self care’ activities and diarise exactly when they are going to happen in your schedule next week.
During your ‘ritual’ evening, make sure you allow space for all the emotion of what you’re going through, plus time to keep dreaming, remind yourself of the other things you have to look forward to and what you can feel grateful for amongst the uncertainty
Plot in JOY - whatever that looks like to you. Small and simple pleasures to perk up your day and bigger things to look forward to - what makes you feel most like YOU?
Identify who you can try talking honestly to about what you’re feeling and experiencing. Someone to listen, support and love you throughout can make the world of difference (thank you forever Laura)
Please share this with anyone you think it may help. If you are facing this chapter and would like more support, arrange a free discovery call with me to hear more about the support I can provide.